This Funny Week in Funny Tweets: December 4, 2020
November 27
Miss promoting Canadian comedy shows like "hurry, only all the tickets are left!"
β Nigel Homestead (@NigelGrinstead) November 27, 2020
Spotify gave me $2.25 for a song I wrote that was streamed on their platform 125,000 times. Seems fair.
β DEVOJKA (@_devojka_) November 28, 2020
A brief history of US Presidents:Β
β πΆππππ π΄. πΌπππππ (@glennEmartin) November 27, 2020
π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π΄π»π¨πΎβπ¦±π€‘π΄π»
If you hate the Pope bc he's too "liberal" ... I have some very bad news for you about Jesus.
β Kate Kelly (@Kate_Kelly_Esq) November 28, 2020
AOC casually raised $75K+ for low-income families by playing video games for a few hours while educating current & future young voters on the GOP Senate's indifference to pandemic economics. The kind of outreach that Dems typically spend millions in consulting fees to figure out.
β Adam Herman (@AdamZHerman) November 28, 2020
November 28
The way the NFL is handling this covid shit makes me think they didn't even cancel the rest of that game that Bane bombed in The Dark Knight Rises
β πYoung Prancer π πΎ (@EricTrillman_) November 29, 2020
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON'T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
β Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith) November 28, 2020
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
β Chris Somerville (@chrisomerville) November 29, 2020
"i'm a top" "i'm a bottom" and i have the perfect trenchcoat for the two of you
β danny devito with ACAB tittiesβͺ (@fakedannydevito) November 29, 2020
Men's midlife crises are intensely boring they just get an expensive bike and marry a 30 year old version of the same wife whereas women do fucken cool stuff like open owl cafes, retrain as beekeepers and get phds in necromancy.
β Helen Kingston (@kingstonwrites) November 28, 2020
A little about me pic.twitter.com/5KqULAqHn9
β Andrea Hickey (@andrea_h1ckey) November 28, 2020
November 29
Absolutely incredible that @netflix has put a disclaimer on #TheCrown pic.twitter.com/t47YteBiWv
β fashdad (@fascismdad) November 29, 2020
no they're not "symptoms of depression." they're blues clues
β meredith (@dietz_meredith) November 30, 2020
OMG OMG OMG ππ€£ππ€£ pic.twitter.com/jGSy9nPkPh
β Jay Arnold π¬ (@jadedcreative) November 29, 2020
November 30
BREAKING: Monolith Inexplicably Returns... With Stories pic.twitter.com/If61Aj0iaC
β Tim Quirino (@timquirino) November 30, 2020
I have worked in PR for many years: Have written many media releases. Have issued many media releases.
β Stephen Murdoch (@canadianprguy) November 30, 2020
This is one of the best media releases ever. pic.twitter.com/DNNWHp9jR2
Twitter is like having thousands of depressed pen pals
β Lindsay Goldwert (@lindsaygoldwert) November 30, 2020
Some people who conspired to steal the election according to the president: The FBI. His Department of Justice. Judges he appointed. Republican state legislatures. The Republican governors of GA and AZ. And communist machines.
β Rory Cooper (@rorycooper) December 1, 2020
Whenever u ask the most drug addled, sex crazed, brink of death party monster what they do for work they're like, "i'M a nAnNy!!!"
β Heather Jewett (@bimbosummit) November 30, 2020
Hannity: I don't vet the information on this program that I give out pic.twitter.com/xZPdHcR1Bh
β Acyn Torabi (@Acyn) December 1, 2020
https://t.co/ZhoPDVPrlP pic.twitter.com/PSgSa5TJck
β Patrick Monahan (@pattymo) December 1, 2020
Actually, by not paying for rent, office supplies utilities and internet, employers are stealing from workers. https://t.co/bzr3daeSSf
β Richard Whittall (@RWhittall) November 30, 2020
December 1
π©π #SpotifyWrapped pic.twitter.com/r9EEFFUncE
β Sam (@sampagnepapi_) December 2, 2020
Just smaller what's so hard about that pic.twitter.com/4BnhfxKCvV
β cory snearowski (@corysnearowski) December 2, 2020
Salmon is so good. I get why bears stand in rivers and snatch them out of the water lmao
β Brandon Nales (@BrandonNales) December 2, 2020
can y'all just post y'all therapist's advice on twitter so i don't have to go
β tummy on soft 𦦠(@f8the) December 2, 2020
do centaurs wear their karate belt like
β slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) December 1, 2020
this or this pic.twitter.com/cmlUSUN2WE
2016: Lock her up!
β Scott Shapiro (@scottjshapiro) December 1, 2020
2020: Lock him up!
2021: Pardon my family!
Trump before election: Hunter, Hunter, Hunter.
β Alex Cole (@acnewsitics) December 2, 2020
Trump after election: Excuse me while I pardon my kids!
we will reveal a new trans celebrity every day until our demands are met.
β Niko Stratis (@nikostratis) December 1, 2020
December 2
what if god came down to earth and said "it's pronounced jod" and left
β kristofer thomas (@itskristofer) December 2, 2020
paul mccartney making wonderful christmastime pic.twitter.com/yW42cFoIoe
β anja (@internetanja) December 2, 2020
Four weeks ago Hunter Biden was a suspect in an international criminal enterprise and now all the Trump children need pardons.
β ππ¦ππππ πΎπ¦π£π (@Sundae_Gurl) December 3, 2020
I have only two speeds of email reply:
β Patrick Coddou (@soundslikecanoe) December 2, 2020
27 seconds
3 weeks
"the rat is not ratatouille, the rat's name is remy" is the 2000s version of "his name is not frankenstein, he's frankenstein's monster"
β sherryπ₯Ί (@sherrysworld) December 2, 2020
You never hear about sound machines from other cities. Miami really cornered the market on that shit.
β George Wallace (@MrGeorgeWallace) December 2, 2020
a drunk woman is trump team's star witness in michigan pic.twitter.com/qGxEI3hp2G
β marisa kabas (@MarisaKabas) December 3, 2020
idk how i'm feeling about my LinkedIn Wrapped... pic.twitter.com/RtkMJBGsBH
β mattfred (@itsmattfred) December 2, 2020
your spotify wrapped is basically just a list of artists you owe money to lol
β Cloud Nothings (@cloudnothings) December 2, 2020
December 3
LiNkInG pArK-nUmB.exe pic.twitter.com/62djWd53mQ
β the thicc husband & father (@lukeisamazing) December 3, 2020
https://t.co/YNt3nPyLYZ pic.twitter.com/19aJuE6YPH
β Ken Klippenstein (@kenklippenstein) December 3, 2020
dudes will be like "nobody cares about your spotify wrapped" and then post a map of their running route
β Lumberzack (@ItsLumberzack) December 4, 2020
The Shining (2020) pic.twitter.com/27so1GasIJ
β Thor Benson (@thor_benson) December 4, 2020
why would she do this pic.twitter.com/mxNsbx8z6h
β sgt balls 2: 2 sgt 2 balls (@sgtballsvevo) December 3, 2020
NEW: Trump campaign's star witness, Mellissa Carone, was on probation for a year for committing a computer crime court records reveal. pic.twitter.com/ClhgdcsM5M
β Travis Akers (@travisakers) December 3, 2020
Trump's star voter fraud witness has a history of outlandish claims, and insists that ghosts are haunting his family cross-country. https://t.co/4mNVi52ZgI
β Will Sommer (@willsommer) December 3, 2020
Can I retweet this? I can retweet this, can't it? Is it weird if I retweet this. It's hilarious. Okay. . . I'm doing it. https://t.co/ArVnXGQN4b
β Bebe Neuwirth (@BebeNeuwirth) December 4, 2020